Intentional Scars
by Adrienne Wolf
Summary: I shouldn’t have been doing this again. I knew I shouldn’t. Just like I shouldn’t have fallen for her. It was an addiction. I was caught. By the one person I want most to hide this from, and to save me from.
1. An Additction

_**Intentional Scars**_

_**An Addiction**_

_Gutter and Grace_

_A/N: This is my first Remus centered story. I figured I'd write one since I've been obsessed with the Remus/Tonks paring since before I had a clue it would be canon. I dedicate it to mercutio-ran, whose story, **Random Acts**, inspired this story. I don't own the characters, or this topic in fanfiction. All I do own are some of the thoughts going through his head, being a person dealing with this myself. Some spoilers for HBP.

* * *

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I shouldn't have been doing this again. I knew I shouldn't. Just like I shouldn't have fallen for her. It was an addiction. Just like James's old alcoholic tendencies back in fifth and sixth year. Nothing different from Sirius's foray into assorted drugs that year before he died. No doubt thanks to Mundungus. The same in my mind as Lily's obsession with her weight. Only more dangerous. Don't I have enough scars? Why need to make some in my human time? Aren't the ones from the wolf enough?

Why do I even bother caring at all? You think I would have learned after I cared for my friends. Now three are dead, one of whom being the one man I respected through everything, and the one traitorous rat that betrayed the three.

* * *

James didn't deserve it. He was the picture perfect image of a hero, to most. Not everyone knew his secret. His two year obsession with the liquid fire. Sirius and I were the ones who took care of him when Lily turned him down time and time again, indulging almost every night in that poison. We were the ones who vanished the bottles, carried him though the tunnels and up to bed when he passed out down at the Hog's Head. He was the strongest man I had ever known, proving that addictions can be fought when he gave up the Firewhiskey in order to change as was needed for Lily. Never touched the stuff again.

* * *

Lily didn't deserve to die. As brilliant as the stars on the moonless night. She was the first I loved, the pure fire of spirit she was. Everyone would have thought we would have been the perfect couple, not her and the wild hellion James. They didn't know at the time, they were exactly alike as well as completely different. She was more wild than the rest of us. You could see it late at night, dancing in the moon light down by the lake, her hair a wild and tangled russet mass. She seemed to glow. That's when I realized I couldn't have her, that James was perfect for her. The night was the only time any of us let our secrets out. I remember finding her lying on the floor of her bathroom in her flat just after graduation, weak from having not eaten enough. Still trying to fit into what her mother and sister classified as perfect. Thin as a rail. Poor thing only weighed 92 lbs. And she wasn't a short woman either, standing nearly at six feet herself. She forgot all about the obsession with perfection when she found out she lost her first baby.

* * *

Sirius was perhaps the most majestic of us all, with the darkest side. He had an almost regal bearing without trying, charming the pants off of anything within twenty feet in less than twenty seconds. But there was another side only Lily, James, and I saw. A side Peter didn't even get to see, because he wasn't looking for it. We connected to Sirius for a reason. The reason being he had been though everything we had and more. Having your family hate you like that, I can't even imagine how it would be. He was the loyal one, never failing us. Sure he made a few mistakes, but those were all without his medication or when he was on some sort of new temporary fix. He was the first to lose control however. What most didn't know was he was bi-polar. Or manic-depressive as some know. He was supposed to be on medication for it, but he never remembered to take it. He thought he could take on the world most of the time back then, a side effect of whatever new thing he tried. Alcohol, drugs, not eating for weeks, girl after girl, thin scars down his arms. He needed control, something he just wasn't born with. He was the first to fight his addictions, realizing he wasn't in control during all those things. That summer he ran away, got out of the house of pitch black darkness. That summer he cleaned himself up, until the year he was back. Not even in that place could make him turn back to it. It was a miracle those habits didn't kill him before falling though the veil.

* * *

My control or lack there of, is cutting. No one noticed. Ever. I had too many scars from when I was the wolf for anyone to notice these. I always am careful to wear long sleeved robes or shirts though. She almost caught me last time. I didn't lock the door like normal, hoping someone would come find me and care enough to make me stop. Sirius, James, and Lily tried and got me to for a few years, but now they are gone. I stopped when I found Harry, and then Sirius, happy for once that I had fragments of my old life back. Now Harry can't even go to Hogwarts without fear, and Sirius is gone. Its all lost, except for her. And she just isn't enough to make me stop, since it would never work out.

Who am I talking about? The most spectacular woman on this earth. A woman who is just herself, no problems like I am plagued with. Almost as pure as the snow, the only death she really had to deal with was Sirius. I love the spirit she has, the determination. Reminds me vaguely of Lily, but she's just so much more than Lily ever was to me. She changes her appearance at will, although lately she has been keeping the mousy brown hair. Not the most becoming, but she is still beautiful. This is why it wouldn't work. I am blood, and she is like the alabaster snow. All I would do would be stain and degrade her beauty.

'Remus.'

That faint whisper shows I wasn't almost caught this time. I was caught. By the one person I want most to hide this from, and to save me from.

Tonks.


	2. A Confrontation

Intentional Scars

_**Intentional Scars**_

_**A Confrontation**_

_Lady Adrienne Faery_

_A/N: I realize that it has been about two and a half years, but I am unable to write when happy. My life has gotten just bad enough to continue this with new inspiration and I am terribly sorry for the long wait and exactly how bad the first chapter was/is. I will not change it, but I will make it better. I intended for it to just be two chapters, but a third is already in the works to not have a chapter three times as long as the first. Thank you for being patient. Thank Kerichi for her wonderful stories and conversation that makes me want to try writing again._

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He didn't know how long I stood watching, seeing the pain, the thoughtfulness flicker across his worn face. To someone who didn't see his arm, the sleeve rolled up, it was just his normal face. But I saw. I saw what he did. Now I knew why he winced when I would grab his arm, it wasn't the shame I thought he felt at being him, or the pain from marks left by the transformation. It was pain he made himself, intentional. I wanted to scream at him, run up to him, knock the old knife from his hands. The silver knife. He was hurting himself, I couldn't let that happen, but I couldn't move. I couldn't scream. I could only whisper, a single tear falling down the side of my face he couldn't see.

"Remus."

* * *

He looked up, not knowing I had been there. It was the first time I had seen him in months; he had a slight break from his werewolf duties and was up in Hogsmeade, staying at the Hog's Head. We had watch duty for later, so I just thought I'd come early, see if he might want some dinner made from an idiot proof recipe Molly left for me, knowing my cooking talent or lack thereof, or maybe a drink at the bar downstairs. He had that look in his eyes, the one that tried to prove he was too old and too poor, too dangerous. Too broken. But there was something else too, something that begged me to help him stop, to make it okay again. It wasn't easy to see, but I could see it, hidden behind his arguments. I wasn't going to let him win this time. It was my time to fight against the dark side and win, not like before, with Aunt Bella. This was a demon I could fight; I had all the more reason to. I loved this man, he was worth it. He was worth everything.

"Put it down."

* * *

He seemed startled at the tone of my voice, harder than I had expected it be. It startled me too, but I can't let him know that. He followed my order, putting the short silver knife back in its sheath and setting it on the side table next to him. He didn't look back up at me. I crossed the room as quickly as I could, afraid I'd miss the chance to tell him, to help him. Of course, I managed to trip over the edge of the door, a table leg, and Remus's own long leg, ending up smashing against his shoulder, face down in an uncomfortable position. I could hear a dark chuckle as he helped flip me over, me turning a fantastic shade of pink that put my hair to shame. Or would have if the color was right. I mumbled an apology for landing on him and looked down at my hands, trying to figure out how to get him to open up. I settled for one word.

"Why?"

* * *

He explained, I guess he had been waiting forever to tell. I listened as he explained, told me the stories of his dear friends, his lack of control, the feeling of hopelessness he always had. I understood it, the touch of anger and fury I had first felt, wondering how he could hurt himself more when the world had already given him the worst it can give, had all but faded away. I had been through the same. The half-blood, shape-shifting freaks, we were one and the same. I wasn't surprised about his feelings for Lily, I could tell he had always worshiped her in a way; it was obvious by the way he treated her son. I was in shock about my cousin, my mother had said things had been bad for her favorite cousin, but she had never gone into detail. Maybe she had never known. I couldn't hold back my tears as he told me about when he started, at the age of thirteen, in his darkest time. Back when he couldn't tell his friends his most guarded secret, the friends he never felt he deserved because of what he was. I had promised not to interrupt him, or I would have burst out with my usual argument about him saying that. I waited until he spilled the whole tale, wrapping my arms around his too tall body, pulling him as close to me as I could, like I was trying to hold us together physically, if it can be done. Once he was done, I sat there, still holding him, kissing his head gently, touching the fresh marks he never used a healing charm on. I muttered a summoning spell, getting all the things I would need and started to clean his cuts the muggle way, taking my time as I tried to figure out how to word my plea for him not to, how to promise to always be there if he needed someone. Once I was done and they were bandaged, I had the courage worked back up to look into his eyes. They searched my eyes, looking for traces of disgust and hatred anyone else would have, but I knew my eyes didn't hold.

"You are going to stop. You will not do that any more because I will make sure you have no reason to ever do so again. I do not care if you are too old, too dangerous, too whatever you decided to come up with to deny yourself happiness. I'm not going anywhere and you cannot make me. I've already spent too long always from you and I'm not letting us be separated. I care about you far too much"

* * *

With that having being said, as tough and as loving as it was possible to make something, I held on to him tighter. I wasn't going to let him go. He fell asleep, or so I thought, after wrapping his own arms around me, sheltering me as much as I was him. I started to drift off myself, nuzzling against his neck and breathing in his scent that I had always loved, that had always made me feel better. 'I love you' I whispered in his ear, the first time I had told my wolf that. Too bad he wasn't awake to hear it. I moved around a little, getting more comfortable on the run down, but quite plush couch. Just as I was on the verge of sleep, I could have sworn I heard him whisper something back to me.

"I love you too."


End file.
